Breathe/2am (by Anna Nalick)

After years and years and years and years of isolation , I chanced upon this track then I started liking it--- without any pain, hurt, question, longing or any other of the many emotions I felt and been through all the years I was hit by your crushing blow :)

It is a breath of fresh air…Words were my only escape during my time of misery. I released my hurt through other people’s song and words, found it much better and easier than talking. I didn’t tell people what happened, nor explained why. My tears silenced them like they’ve never seen me cry before. I was in a lot of pain, especially during the initial months, but life had to go on. I saw you moving on and having a life, what more could I do? I wallowed in self pity inside my dark room, alone and keeping quiet, quickening sobs of pain no one could ever relate to. My friends knew but they never asked, my family as well. I guess to the outside world, it was part of life, of growing up..of loving the wrong person, in choosing who to love and in realizing that other people just don’t care so much.

Before all this happened, I thought I was a tough girl, the baddest of all, but I was wrong. One love was all it got me to bend on my knees and sob like a little girl. Maybe you’d say because it was first love, maybe true but because I believed in it so much, deep down I knew it would never last but I could never get over the betrayal, I never thought I could be betrayed by one person who knew everything: the hurt, the pain, the suffering, the biasness, the massacre and the plain risk I was in for by going for love. Things are not easy, life is not easy but not betrayal. I know it is normal for relationships to end, but not to be discarded in a manner that seemed you do not matter, like the other person just suddenly decided to move out and off you go, just understand or die… not that way. There are feelings involved, life is at risk. Love is not something you buy off a drug store, it is an investment, it is life. It deserves to be respected, nurtured and appreciated.

After all this time, I still love the love you gave me, not because I am still longing, hoping or slightly wishing that you would turn and recognize me even as a neighbor, I still love the love you gave me because I know it was a risk you made too and at that time it felt real. I will never forget you but I don’t know if I can trust you ever again.

During the times when I wonder and think of you, I do this:

“…Cradle (your) my head in (your) my hands, and breathe, just breathe”

I wish I heard this song when I was licking my wounds…it is just so old yet refreshing. It comes off the movie soundtrack: A lot like love.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
breathe, just breathe.