ENCORE

“Holding On: Have You Ever wondered Why Even If Someone is too numb to feel you, or insensitive to notice you, You Still Choose to stay? It is because beyond what others see in that person, you feel a tiny chance that maybe, just maybe, if you hold on a little bit tighter, he’ll learn to value you the way you want him to.”

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? (by Amy Winehouse)

For the four years that I’ve been pining for a glimpse from you I’ve stopped hoping and wishing that you’ll ever look my way. But on one eclipse on your life, you remembered me.

Of course, as expected I made myself available to entertain you thus making my rehabilitating heart and weak mindset to begin feeling again.

But in fairness to you, you came looking for a friend and well, I laid the red carpet. I wish to stop myself before I start including you in my daily routine again. I guess it won’t be a mortal sin if i just shoved you away (which would have been pleasurable, i guess) but like a loyal puppy, I wagged my tail and welcomed you in. I believe I was going the right track flushing you out. I am just (again) at that turnpike where I am holding on and wishing you’d “value me the way I want you to.”

Breathe/2am (by Anna Nalick)

After years and years and years and years of isolation , I chanced upon this track then I started liking it--- without any pain, hurt, question, longing or any other of the many emotions I felt and been through all the years I was hit by your crushing blow :)

It is a breath of fresh air…Words were my only escape during my time of misery. I released my hurt through other people’s song and words, found it much better and easier than talking. I didn’t tell people what happened, nor explained why. My tears silenced them like they’ve never seen me cry before. I was in a lot of pain, especially during the initial months, but life had to go on. I saw you moving on and having a life, what more could I do? I wallowed in self pity inside my dark room, alone and keeping quiet, quickening sobs of pain no one could ever relate to. My friends knew but they never asked, my family as well. I guess to the outside world, it was part of life, of growing up..of loving the wrong person, in choosing who to love and in realizing that other people just don’t care so much.

Before all this happened, I thought I was a tough girl, the baddest of all, but I was wrong. One love was all it got me to bend on my knees and sob like a little girl. Maybe you’d say because it was first love, maybe true but because I believed in it so much, deep down I knew it would never last but I could never get over the betrayal, I never thought I could be betrayed by one person who knew everything: the hurt, the pain, the suffering, the biasness, the massacre and the plain risk I was in for by going for love. Things are not easy, life is not easy but not betrayal. I know it is normal for relationships to end, but not to be discarded in a manner that seemed you do not matter, like the other person just suddenly decided to move out and off you go, just understand or die… not that way. There are feelings involved, life is at risk. Love is not something you buy off a drug store, it is an investment, it is life. It deserves to be respected, nurtured and appreciated.

After all this time, I still love the love you gave me, not because I am still longing, hoping or slightly wishing that you would turn and recognize me even as a neighbor, I still love the love you gave me because I know it was a risk you made too and at that time it felt real. I will never forget you but I don’t know if I can trust you ever again.

During the times when I wonder and think of you, I do this:

“…Cradle (your) my head in (your) my hands, and breathe, just breathe”

I wish I heard this song when I was licking my wounds…it is just so old yet refreshing. It comes off the movie soundtrack: A lot like love.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
breathe, just breathe.

She will be Loved (by Maroon 5)

For your yesterday, your today and your tomorrow…

“Look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile and she will be loved…”

You were a tough cookie, I felt like I had to prove my worth before you even dared to listen to me… 

”I didn’t (don’t) mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain…”

I had to separate this from the other Maroon 5 song because it plays soundtrack to different “eras”… though after “the ending” I hated hearing this song because I related this song with you. In a lot of ways, the song is actually about you (from my perspective).

It’s not always rainbows and butterflies, it’s compromise that (it) moves us along…know all the things that make you who you are….”

You will be loved, or should I say you are always loved, there will come a time for you to understand that sometimes it is important to affirm your feelings because it just has to be. It is not because there is something lacking but only because it has to be. Love is a lot of things, and one of which is having to understand that it can’t always be sacrificed, it can be salvaged only if. The only if’s in a relationship are countless but the minute you face them,  they become meaningless.

I wish you had known and felt courage in what we shared. 

Sound Of Silence (by Simon & Garfunkel)

This song is both peace and chaos.

“Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence”

This song would take me back to memories… when and which I was neither ready to remember or discard. It offered nothing but nothing. It was helpful to feel nothing. This song impresses on me as nothing (again). This was the time I was floating, not forgetting, not remembering, just alive. It is like remembering but there is nothing to remember, revisiting the past that was not there anymore. Funny, it says hello to the darkness, which for me means seeing nothing but black. There is nothing to “visit” but nothing. It is not empty, just nothing. But it helped me through, it soothed my rugged emotions. Nice!

Over You/Used To (by Daughtry)

“Guess, I let you get the best of me…

Well I never saw it coming, should have started running a long long time ago, and I never thought I’d doubt you, I’m better off without you, more than you know…I’m slowly getting closure, I guess it’s really over I think I’m getting better, I’m picking up the pieces…Coz the day I thought I’d never get through, I got over you…”

“I’m putting my heart back together, coz I got over you…”

______________________________________________________

“Used to talk to me like I was the only one around, used to lean on  me the only other choice was falling down, used to walk with me, we had nowhere we needed to go, nice and slow to no place in particular.. we used to have this figured out..we used to breathe without a doubt…

“…we used to have this under control, we never thought we used to know, at least there’s you and at least there’s me, could we get this back to how we used to be…”

“…I used to reach for you when I got lost along the way, I used to listen, you always had the just right thing to say…”

There would always be these kind of times, the used-tos, couldn’t help but breakdown and cry despite all the face you put up. Once in a while, you get on your knees and cry your heart out. Short months after, there would always be the breakdowns, the questioning, the yearning, until there is no more memory to cling onto. Even memories fade…there was nothing else to hold onto but used-to-bes.

Love can’t help you hold on forever…. not alone.

Mr. Brightside (by The Killers)

“ Coming out of my cage, and I’ve been doin’ just fine, Gotta, gotta be down…Because I want it all, started out with a kiss, How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss..”

“… Now they’re going to bed and my stomach is sick, and it’s all in my head, but she’s touching his chest now, he takes off her dress now, let me go…”

“Jealousy, Turning saints into the sea, Swimming through sick lullabies, Choking on your alibis, But it's just the price I pay, Destiny is calling me,Open up my eager eyes, 'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside”

“… Now they’re going to bed and my stomach is sick, and it’s all in my head, but she’s touching his chest now, he takes off her dress now, let me go…”

Go figure.

Only Time (by Enya)

I think it was okay for me to listen to this song after the first year you left me. It was like saying…it happens to everybody, you’re no special and that there are other “questions” in the world, not just of the broken hearted.

“Who can say why your heart cries, when your love lies…only time”

Of course it helped that the song is sort of “fluffy to the ears”. I was done with the noisy, angry and shouting hateful songs.. I needed calming words then.

“Who knows, only time…” – You knew but chose not to offer any. 

All Good Things Come to An End (by Nelly Furtado)

Grrr, how i hated this song. I hated hearing this song….It was telling me to move on and accept the fact that it is what it is at the time when I was nowhere ready to move on.

“Flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good things to an end..”

Then it ends with a question when at the beginning it was explaining that things are just the way it is…It was not giving me anything. I could correlate this song to a yo-yo...urging me to accept things, move on, grow up when it actually is wondering why? I didn’t know if this song was giving me hope or what.

Best I Ever Had (by Vertical Horizon)

This is a statement. period.

“Nothing’s quite the same now,

I just say your name now

. But its not so bad, you’re only the best I’ve ever had..

You don’t want me back

you’re just the best I ever had…

So you stole my world, now I’m just a phony,

remembering the girl, leaves me down and lonely”

“It’s not so bad, you’re only the best I ever had, you don’t need me back, you’re just the best I ever had,

it may take some time to patch me up inside,

but I can’t take it so I run away and hide.. may find in time that you were always right, you’re always right…so you sailed away into a gray sky morning, now I’m here to stay, love can be so boring,

what was it you wanted, could it be I’m haunted, but it’s not so bad, you’re only the best I’ve ever had, I don’t want you back, you’re just the best I ever had...

I even got my brother to get tickets for us to watch Vertical Horizon play this live….ooohlalala

Better that We Break (by Maroon 5)

I heard this song, long after things ended between us. I don’t know, there was never an easy day especially when simple nothings kept popping in my mind, around me ---  reminding me of things, of people, of everything.

“Everything’s reminding me of you…Its not right, not okay, say the words that you say…maybe we’re better off this way, I’m not fine, I’m in pain, it’s harder everyday…”

Imagine, years after I still could relate to this song. pitiful. Do the math. This song kind of explains the difficulty of a trying relationship… it was easier to end things than keep going on like that.

The First Cut is the Deepest (Sheryl Crow)

This blog won’t be complete if this track is not included. (I decide, it’s my blog, mine, mine, mine!:))

“I still want you by my side, just to help me dry the tears that I’ve cried, but I’m sure gonna give it a try, ‘cause if you wanna try to love again…but I know..”

I never cried over this song, I smiled over this song, because It just is, First Cut is the deepest. Amen.

Out of Reach (by Gabrielle)

This song came from the movie: Bridget Jones’s Diary. Every story begins with a

Once upon a time

…and ends with

The End.

but there is a middle and an after.

 “…So confused, my hearts’ bruised, was I ever loved by you? So much hurt, so much pain, takes a while to regain what is lost inside and I hope that in time, you’ll be out of my mind, I’ll be over you… So confused, my hearts’ bruised, Was I ever loved by you?”

Eternal song for the broken hearted. It reminds you of the things that you warned yourself of before getting in love (hahaha) or it then it just points out the things that you overlooked just because you fell in love (again:hahaha).

“…takes a while to regain what is lost inside…”

Actually It is easier to accept things when you think the answers should come from the other party and not with you. This is probably the easiest to sing because it is subtle. It is not angry, not fault finding and most especially, glamorous… It has accepted the situation and it is just relating the emotions inside. 

“……………..I Know I will be okay…”

I’m Still Remembering (by The Cranberries)

   “..I need your affection, get away…I am trying hard not to go insane….I’m still remembering the day, the pain and the mind games… I tried to remain,  trying hard not to go insane…”

The days and the months immediately after which later turned into years were the hardest. I did not know what to do or who to turn to. I was absolutely alone in my excruciating pain of abandonment. One minute I was longing for you and the next minute I hated you, or I thought so. I was like a rabied dog hungry for a flesh to bite yet at the same time afraid to venture into the light to find one. It was so painful, I was in limbo, I was in shock. These were the days that followed…the hardest part was remembering.

“Where are you now?, Where are you now?, Where are you now?”

I kept wondering, questioning, blaming, crying, asking, hoping, longing, it was like haunting. Questions came in crowds, reverberating in my ears and plastered on all my walls..I was trying so desperately to hold on to meaning that was suddenly lost, trying to hold onto to someone who was nowhere to be found, grasping onto the shreds of love, or what is left of it. Emotions were playing tug-of-war, Where are you but then get away…These days were the hardest.

This is a calmer version of All the things She Said by T.A.T.U

All the things she said (by T.A.T.U)

This was at the height of questioning, in Filipino..SAKTO! Definitely screams all the feelings of love and hatred plus questions deep within.

” All the things she said, All the things she said,  running through my head, running through my head…All the things you said…”

“I’m all mixed up… they say it’s my fault but I want it so much…”

It would be denial if I don’t admit that I was angry, of course I was angry but I was more of the questioning type, kept asking, Why?Why? Why?…this song fits-to-a-tee, I could remember all the conversations, the happy times so then I would not hate her anymore and just question why, then I’d blame myself for what happened, blamed myself for believing, then cry then hate her then excuse her then hate myself, ahhh, grueling internal debate.

“…I keep asking myself, wondering why.Nobody else so we can be free…

I can try to pretend, I can try to forget…”

The really difficult part was guessing, only to end up blaming yourself because you let it be…because it could have been entirely my fault and yet I wanted it so much…

“Will I ever be free, have I crossed the line?”

The Scientist (by Coldplay)

This is the ultimate song that describes how it all began. And this would also be the song that could explain how things were-not-so-dandy between us and how excruciatingly painful it was for me when you abandoned me.

“I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart, tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions…running in circles, chasing our tails…” 

I literally sought and begged you to befriend me – to everyone’s amazement including you. Why not?, I used to answer back. Yes, why not? Until even you I got to convince that it could work. I didn’t think friendships had to have boundaries: same school, same year, same height or color, same address or whatsoever. I just liked you and I thought, she is great, and so I befriended you. No hidden intentions just the plain fact that you were a great personality. 

Then we clicked, though we disagreed on a lot of things, but we clicked. We became friends, even best of friends if I recall it right.

“..nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard, or take me back to the start..”

This is the risk in every relationship, it is never always honeymoon, there will always be problems, but oh well… you eventually left me and I had to go back to the start.